


Dear Diary

by momentsofziam



Series: Oneshots [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Death, M/M, Sickness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-30
Updated: 2013-07-30
Packaged: 2017-12-21 20:38:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/904658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentsofziam/pseuds/momentsofziam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam writes a journal while he's sick and Zayn doesn't get to read it until it's too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Diary

 

_August 12th 2014_

_”Dear diary (that does sound a bit childish doesn’t it?) I went to a therapist for the first time today, can you believe it? It was my mum who set up the appointment, don’t ask me why, she just told me I probably needed someone to talk to. And maybe I do, I’m not really sure. The other boys haven’t been around much lately and I don’t know why. I guess I do miss talking to them a lot and since I don’t have my family close to me, maybe a therapist will be something good? I haven’t decided if I liked it yet. All Dr. Whitmore (that’s my therapist!) told me to do, was buy a journal to write my thoughts down in and I’ve done that. (obviously since I’m writing in it right now) I guess we’ll be talking about what I’ve written down during my next appointment, which is next Tuesday. I don’t know why though because I don’t really have anything interesting to write down since we’re not on tour any more and we have a break for two months. It’s really boring so far to be honest. I was hoping the other boys would be here for a little while at least but I haven’t seen them since last week and none of them has picked up the phone when I called or replied to my text messages. I guess they’re busy. That’s ok though! I’ll be busy soon too. Mum is coming for a visit tomorrow, I’m really excited about that. And I spoke to dad on the phone earlier. He said he’d try to visit me during the weekend, but work might have him work then so he wasn’t sure. I’m glad he’s trying though. I haven’t heard from my sisters yet, but mum said they missed me so I’m sure they’ll be here soon too. I really hope they will because I haven’t seen them in a long time and I miss them so much. I miss Zayn too. Is that crazy? Since we only saw each other a week ago? I don’t care though. I really wish he was here with me. It gets lonely during the nights because I’m used to have him next to me but now I’m not allowed anyone here during the night. I guess I’ll end it here for the time being, I’m really tired and it’s only 8 PM. But the sooner I sleep, the sooner it’ll be tomorrow and then mum will visit me and I can call Zayn again. Maybe the other boys too._

_Love, Liam”_

_August 14th 2014_

_”Dear diary (I still think that sounds childish and maybe a bit girlish, but I like it, don’t tell anyone!) Mum came to visit me yesterday, just like she said she would and it was really nice! She brought me Nando’s and I thought about Niall, but when I called to tell him that, he didn’t pick up. I guess he’s still busy, so that’s ok! I called Zayn too but someone called ‘Jessica’ picked up so I guess I must have dialled the wrong number. Mum told me not to bother him, that he was busy and wouldn’t want me to call him every day but I just said that it was ok, because we were used to speaking every day and Zayn wouldn’t mind. I said that he probably missed me just as much as I missed him and that maybe he’s busy because he’s coming to visit soon and he’s planning a surprise for me. Our anniversary is coming up soon, so that’s probably why. Wow! We’ve been together for almost two years now, can you believe it?? I remember when we first got together and we were both really scared that no one would accept us, but they did. The boys joked that they’d always known we’d end up together, and in some way I guess they were right. Even if I still liked girls when I first met Zayn (at least I thought I did) I thought he was beautiful from the second my eyes landed on him and that whoever was his girlfriend was one lucky girl! And now I’m his boyfriend. Fiancé soon I hope! Don’t tell anyone, but I bought him a ring before I got here. I really want to give it to him on our anniversary which is on my birthday, so it’s not that far away. I’m really nervous. What if he doesn’t like it or it doesn’t fit? Or worse…what if he says no? I’d hope after all this time that he wouldn’t, but you never know! I’m sorry if I’m talking so much about Zayn, I just really miss him a lot. And I don’t have much else to tell you. After my mum left last night, I went to sleep and today I’ve just eaten and watched a few movies that mum bought for me. I hope I’ll have more to tell you when I get together with the boys again, but I don’t know when that will be. But I sure hope soon because like I said in my first entry, it gets quite lonely here and I don’t like it very much. There’s not much to do except sleep and eat and watch movies or TV and be lazy, but that’s more fun if you do it with other people. I will try to call the boys again later even though my mum suggested that I don’t, because I really miss them already and I wish they’d come visit me. Maybe they’ll all show up for my birthday! That’d be nice. Anyway, I’ll speak to you soon!_

_Love, Liam”_

_August 19th 2014_

_”Dear Diary, I’m very confused. I went to see my therapist again today and she said that it was my doctor who’d suggested I do that, not my mum. The first time I saw her, I didn’t bother asking and I never did ask my mum or doctor either, but today I asked her why I had to live in a hospital room and she said that it was because I was sick. When I asked her to tell me more about it, she just said that I had to talk to my doctor about it later and went onto talking about my diary. So I asked my doctor (who’s a really nice old man called Dr. Giles) about it and he said that I had a brain tumour. It really scared me when he told me that, because that’s something serious and no one had told me about it. But then he said that they had and that my memory was affected by the tumour and that I probably wouldn’t remember this tomorrow. I started crying and asked him if they were going to remove it, but he said that it wasn’t possible because the surgery would be too dangerous and that I’d never make it out of it alive. When I asked him if I’d make it out alive without the surgery, he just shook his head sadly and left the room. That was ten minutes ago. I’m really scared. And lonely. I wish my mum was here. Or Zayn. And the boys. I really miss them. I wonder if they know I’m sick. I hope they don’t. Otherwise I’d hope they’d be here with me. I think I’d really like that right now. It would be better than being alone. Maybe I’ll try to call them again. But they’re still busy and ‘Jessica’ keeps picking up Zayn’s phone._

_Love, Liam”_

_August 23rd 2014_

_”Dear diary, I’m sorry I haven’t written for a few days. My dad finally came to visit me and he told me he’d taken a day off of work to do so. That made me really happy because I had missed him a lot. He told me all about work and mum and my sisters and we didn’t talk about my tumour once. I have now started to remember that I have it and that it’s the reason why I’m in the hospital and it’s all because I wrote myself a little note about it and put it on my night-stand so it’d be the last thing I read before I fell asleep and the first thing I read when I woke up. It makes me really sad reading it every day, but I guess there’s nothing I can do about it. I asked my dad how long I’d had it for and he told me that they’d discovered this one a year ago but that I’d had it for longer than that and that I’d had another one two years earlier that they’d been able to operate on. I thought that was weird, since we’d been on tour around this time a year ago but I couldn’t remember finding out about a brain tumour. And I definitely can’t remember having another one before that.. But I decided to not bring that up with him because he was starting to look sad so I asked him if we could go out and get ice cream the next time he visited me and he told me we would as long as I felt up for it and my doctor allowed me to go outside. I thought that was a little weird too because I feel fine except for some headaches every now and then. I guess they just don’t want me to live alone. But I wouldn’t be alone. I’d be with Zayn. I wonder what he’s doing right now. I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. Probably. I hope so at least. I really miss him. I know I keep saying this, but all I want is for him to be here with me. I really miss his voice and his smell and the feeling of his arms wrapped around me. But it’s only a week left until my birthday and I’m certain he’ll visit me then. I can’t wait! Hopefully he’s bringing the other boys with him and we can all be reunited again. Look at me, I sound like I haven’t seen them in forever. I guess being around each other almost 24/7 for four years does that to you. Wow, can you believe we’ve been One Direction for four whole years? That’s crazy. I still remember the day I decided to try out for X Factor again. I’m really glad I did. Otherwise I would have never met the boys. Or Zayn. I have to stop now. This is making me sad. I’ll let you know about my surprise!_

_Love, Liam”_

_August 29th 2014_

_“Dear Diary, it’s only a few minutes left of my birthday now and I haven’t seen Zayn or the other boys. Mum told me there was no surprise. But she also said that they’d all been here when I had been sleeping and that they didn’t want to wake me. I guess that made me feel a little bit better. At least they showed up. I’m glad they did. They even left me a card, it was very nice! I still wish they would have woken me up though, because I never got the chance to give Zayn his ring, but I guess I can do that the next time he comes to visit me. I just figured it would have been special to propose on our anniversary. I did tell my mum about it though, but she just got upset and left. I’m not sure why. The doctor stopped by after that and told me not to worry and that she’d tell me eventually. Then he went onto asking me if I wanted something for the pain. I hadn’t realized how bad my headache was until he said that, so I accepted. I guess I fell asleep then because I only woke up again right before I started writing this. I’ve been very tired the whole day today. I guess that’s why I missed Zayn and the others. I really wish they would have stayed long enough for me to wake up though, but the doctor told me they wouldn’t have been able to anyway because of visiting hours. I don’t like that. People should be allowed to visit me at any time they want to. I don’t mind. Really. It’s just stupid hospital rules. I can’t wait to get out of here. I miss Louis. He always knew how to cheer me up and I think I probably need him right now. It’d be nice to talk to him, even for just a little bit. He can always make me laugh and I miss laughing. There’s not much to laugh at in the hospital. I guess some of the movies I’ve been watching have been funny, but it just doesn’t feel right when I’m enjoying them alone._

_It’s after midnight now so my birthday is officially over. And I’m still very tired so I think I’ll go back to sleep again._

_Love, Liam”_

_September 5th 2014_

_“Dear diary, guess what? Niall came to visit me today. And I was awake! You have no idea how happy I was to see that it was him knocking on my door this morning. He told me he’d just flown in from Ireland last night and that’s why he hadn’t been able to visit me. I didn’t even care. I was just so happy that he was here, with me. I asked him where the other boys were and he told me they were very busy, just like my mum had said. Instead of asking him ‘with what’ I decided to just let it go for once. Niall was there and that’s all that mattered. He told me all about how he’d had it at home and I told him all about my time here at the hospital, which was way less interesting than his stories about him and his friends. I’m so glad that he’s happy. Just seeing him smiling and laughing, was enough to make me laugh too. It was nice. Especially since I hadn’t laughed in a while. I had missed him a lot. I told him, that the next time he came for a visit, maybe we could go to Nando’s if the doctor allowed me to and he told me he’d make sure to bring Harry around next week, because they were meeting up. I really can’t wait. I probably shouldn’t be this excited about that, but I can’t help it. It’s nice that they’d take time to come visit me when they really don’t have to. I guess if I were them, I’d rather not spend my time off in a hospital room. But Niall told me to stop worrying so much. That’s what friends do. And I guess if it had been Niall or any of the other boys laying here instead of me, I wouldn’t even have left their hospital room._

_Anyway, it was really nice catching up with Niall. He told me he’d been writing a lot of songs lately, especially this past week. I told him to bring his guitar around the next time to play some for me and he agreed immediately. But when I asked him if they’d fit for our next album he got really quiet and he looked so sad that I regretted ever asking him. I told him it was okay if he wanted to keep them private but he just shook his head and changed the subject. I guess I’ll have to ask him another time why he got so sad because I couldn’t stand to see him looking so heartbroken that he did when I’d asked him so I just went along with his change of subject, which, worked out fine for me. I didn’t really want to talk about the next album either. Especially since the doctor hadn’t really told me if I’d even make it out of this alive. If I wasn’t, who knew how long I had left? And I really didn’t want to bring that up with Niall. I don’t know how much the boys know about my disease, but I guess it’s less than I do and I don’t know a lot myself. My mum and dad oandeven the doctor seem to be keeping something from me, but I just don’t know what and I don’t really know how to bring it up either. I guess I could ask Dr. Whitmore during my next session later this week. But she keeps telling me to write in you and ask my doctor but Dr. Giles isn’t telling me anything either. Even though I don’t want it to be, the fact that they all seem to be hiding something, probably mean that I’m worse than I feel and that I should be worried. I just want to know what’s going on. Oh. I told Niall about a ‘Jessica’ that kept picking up Zayn’s phone and he just told me that Zayn had changed his number and that he didn’t have his new one yet. I thought that was weird, but I guess I’ll get the new one eventually. I have to go now. I’ll write soon again. (PS: Niall told me Harry cut his hair really short, I can’t wait to see that)_

_Love, Liam”_

_September 8th 2014_

_“Dear diary, I went to see my therapist (Dr. Whitmore) again today and she finally told me that the reason I’m writing in you is so that I will remember this or at least be reminded of this in a couple of weeks. She told me that the tumour that I have is really damaging my memory and that I have a hard time remembering stuff that’s happened recently. Basically, my short term memory is not working. That’s what she said. She also said that I had already lost a lot of old memories and that’s why I couldn’t remember that I’d had another brain tumour before. I thought that was a good thing though, who would want to remember something like that anyway? But then she said that I’d lost a lot of memories before and after that time too and I just don’t understand how that’s possible. Because I can still remember everything except the tumour. But she wouldn’t tell me any more after that so I guess I have to ask my mum or Dr. Giles again. I feel like I’m getting closer to getting more answers out of them now and those answers would probably explain a lot to me. And I’d really like that. Because I’m getting tired of feeling confused every day. I don’t know anything except that I just finished a world tour and now I suddenly have a brain tumour and I’ve had one before and Niall’s the only one I’ve seen in weeks and I’m starting to wonder if Zayn and the others even were here on my birthday. But why would my mum lie about that? I hate this. I really do. I feel so out of control and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t even leave this stupid room except for my sessions with Dr. Whitmore. I shouldn’t even have to stay in this stupid room in my opinion. I feel fine no matter what they say. I mean, everyone get headaches don’t they? The only exception with me is that I get them because of a tumour. I’d understand if they’d keep me here because I was getting surgery or radiation but all I do is stay inside all day. I wonder if Niall knew more about my condition than he let on. And I wonder if Harry will know too. I wonder if Niall will even come back with Harry. Maybe I was just dreaming that he was here? I don’t even know any more. I just want my dad to come back for a visit so that we can go out for ice cream and pretend that I don’t live in this hospital room. That’s all._

_Love, Liam”_

_September 11th 2014_

_“Dear diary, wow. Niall came back to visit me today and he actually brought Harry with him like he said he would! And he was right, Harry did cut his hair. I thought it was quite funny looking, but only because I was so used to his curls. He looked older now though, much older. It felt like I hadn’t seen him in years when it had actually just been a few weeks. I told them I wasn’t allowed to go out for Nando’s (doctor’s orders) but they just pulled out a few bags from behind their backs and told me they had brought it with them just in case. I seriously have the best friends ever. It was so nice to see Harry again. He told me he’d been home too but that he’d come down to London last week when Niall had called him. I asked them if Louis and Zayn were coming soon too but they just told me they hadn’t been able to get a hold of them, but that they’d keep trying. I told them that I missed Zayn a lot and they looked uncomfortable. When I asked them what was wrong, they wouldn’t tell me. I guess everyone thinks it’s okay to keep things from me now that I’m sick, but I think that’s really unfair. Especially since Zayn’s my boyfriend. If they know something about him that I don’t, I would want them to tell me. But they wouldn’t budge no matter what. They promised to tell me as soon as my mum told them it was fine though. That was even weirder. When did they talk to my mum? And why couldn’t they tell me without her telling them it was fine? They just said that I’d have to talk to her about it and that I’d understand once she told me everything. I didn’t even know there was that much to tell me, but like I said, everyone seems to think it’s ok to keep things from me. But I don’t. I don’t think it’s ok at all because I just want to know what’s going on. I knew I wouldn’t get anything out of them though, so I changed the subject to Niall’s new songs and he and Harry sang a few of them to me. They were really beautiful. I wish I could write music like Niall. He’s so talented but he never really got to show it before. I hope he does on the next album. He really deserves it. I think an acoustic album would be really nice. With Niall playing the guitar. Oh right, Niall’s birthday is coming up and he said he’d come visit me then if I was up for it. I told him he didn’t have to spend his birthday with me but he insisted and even Harry said he’d come too. That’ll be nice. I’ll have to get that nice nurse to buy Niall a birthday cake though because I can’t do it myself and mum isn’t coming until the 15th. I really hope they can get a hold of Louis and Zayn before that so we can all be together, but it’s only two days away so I doubt it. I’m starting to wonder if Zayn’s avoiding me on purpose. I bet he is. Why would he want to be with me, who’s got a brain tumour, when he could have anyone he wanted? I wouldn’t want me either I think. I can’t even leave this room so I guess I’d be a really boring boyfriend. I will hope though, because I miss them both terribly much._

_Love, Liam”_

_October 7th 2014_

_“Dear diary, I am sorry I haven’t written to you in a long time but I have reason. My doctor told me that I’d had a seizure on the day of Niall’s birthday and that I had been in a coma for three weeks after that. I had to have some physical therapy to regain most of the functions of my muscles again, but I’m fine again now. Well, as fine as I can be I guess. My hands are a little shaky still, if this is hard to understand, but I guess that doesn’t matter since I’m the only one reading this. Harry and Niall came to visit me a few days ago, which was nice. They told they’d been really scared for me, but that they had known I’d wake up because I was a fighter. I guess that’s true. Why would I give up? I have an amazing life and I want to live it for as long as possible and I won’t let a tumour stop me from doing so. I asked them if they’d gotten a hold of Zayn and Louis yet and they told me no. When I said that that’s ridiculous, all they said was that I really had to talk to my mum. And that I shouldn’t back down until she answered all my questions. Then they had to leave but they both promised to be back soon. My dad came to visit me too and said that he’d been really worried about me, just like my sisters had been. When I asked him why they never came to visit me, he just told me they were busy. And when I asked him why everyone was so busy all the time he just told me that not everything was about me and left. I guess that’s true. I wouldn’t expect them to drop their own lives to visit me. It would’ve been nice to see them every now and then though._

_I’m pretty tired and I have a headache so I think I will go to sleep now. Goodnight._

_Love, Liam”_

_October 9th 2014_

_“Dear diary, my mum still won’t tell me anything and I’m starting to get really tired of that. All I want is the truth and she can’t even give me that. I think even Dr. Giles is starting to get impatient with my mum because I overheard them talking last night and he said that if she didn’t tell me soon, then he would have to do it. I didn’t get to hear my mum’s reply, but I sure hope she decided to tell me soon. I think I’d rather hear whatever they’re hiding from me from my mum rather than my doctor, even though he’s very nice. Also, I think my headaches are getting worse because the one I had earlier got so bad that I got sick. That’s never happened before. But Dr. Giles told me that it might happen more often now because my tumour has grown in size. Then he sat down on the chair next to my bed and told me to ask him anything and he’d answer. So I asked him how long I had left to live and he looked genuinely sad when he told me that this Christmas would be my last. I wish I wouldn’t have asked him. I guess not knowing felt better, because all I can think about now is that in just a little more than two months, I’ll probably be dead. At least I will still get this last Christmas to celebrate and all I want is for my whole family and all of the boys to be here with me. If I could have that, I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I just want us all to be together one last time. That would be nice._

_I think I’m going to tell Niall and Harry how long I have left the next time they visit me. I think they deserve to know that. Mum and dad and my sisters probably already know, maybe that was what mum was hiding from me. I don’t know. I just wish everyone would be honest with me so I wouldn’t have to think so much about it. It’s giving me a headache. I guess I should go to bed now. I have an early session with Dr. Whitmore tomorrow morning and I’m really tired._

_Love, Liam”_

_October 12th 2014_

_“Dear diary, Niall and Harry came to visit me today and I told them how long I had left to live. They said they already knew. Because my mum had told them when she had called them to tell them the news about my tumour just a few days before Niall had first come to visit me. That’s why they both had come back to London in the first place. Ever since then, they had been trying really hard to find Zayn and Louis, but without any success. I asked them how it was possible for them to just disappear like that after only a month or so and they told me, they said that it had actually been years. Niall asked Harry to leave the room and when he had, Niall sat back down and took my hand in his and told me everything. He said that it was 2018 and One Direction had split up 2014 after a big fight. None of them had seen or heard from Zayn or Louis ever since then. Apparently I had only been in contact with them for a month after the fight, but other than that, him and Harry had been the only ones who’d kept in touch with each other. They still tried to meet up as often as possible. I asked him what the fight had been about, because honestly, in the four years we were a group, we never fought about anything serious. He hesitated before he told me. I had been forgetting the dates and plans Zayn and I had planned and he got angry and accused me of cheating on him. Then one night, when I had come home, I had caught him and Louis together in our bed. After that, I had been the first one to leave One Direction. Louis and Zayn had done the same and disappeared together. All that was left was Harry and Niall, and that was that. One Direction didn’t exist any more. Niall said that he and Harry had worked together for a little while, writing songs for other artists, but then Harry had wanted to move on and do something else. Niall was still writing songs and Harry now owns a very popular record store._

_I guess I was a bit of a mess after everything he’d told me because suddenly he was wiping away tears I didn’t know was falling and then he was hugging me and Harry came back and we were all hugging each other and I realized I really couldn’t have any better friends than these two, because even after all these years, they still cared about me._

_Love, Liam”_

_November 4th 2014_

_“Dear diary, I have been very busy, sorry I didn’t write in you any sooner. I have moved out of the hospital, finally! I honestly didn’t think I ever would, but a few weeks ago the doctor allowed me to leave, as long as I wouldn’t live alone. Niall decided to move in with me and we’re having a blast! Harry comes to visit often too and we have pizza and play video games and watch movies just like we used to. But the best part is being allowed to go outside. The first thing I did was to go get an ice cream with my dad, even if it’s almost winter. Then I went to Nando’s with Niall and it was really nice because we didn’t have any screaming girls following us, we could just sit by ourselves like two normal people. I still have to go back to the hospital every second week for a check-up and for my therapy sessions with Dr. Whitmore. I have to take painkillers every day but other than that I feel almost…fine. Like I’m going to be alright. I know that’s not the case, but it’s a nice thought at least. Makes the days pass by easier._

_There’s still no word from Zayn or Louis, but I did meet up with my sisters! I now know why they didn’t visit earlier. They both look older and Ruth is pregnant! Can you believe I’m going to be an uncle?? I’m so excited about that. The baby’s supposed to be born in December, so I hope I’ll still be around to see if it’s a boy or a girl._

_Niall has to go home to Ireland next week because his grandma is sick. He asked me if I wanted to go with him or if I’d rather stay home and have Harry come over. I haven’t decided what to do yet. I think I have to ask Dr. Giles what he thinks about it. I heard that it’s not good travelling sometimes when you’re sick. And even though I don’t feel it right now, I wouldn’t want to risk going if it’ll make me feel worse. Because I feel pretty good right now and I don’t want that to change. Besides, Niall said he’d only be gone for a few days and then he’d come right back again. Also, I think it’d be nice to spend some time alone with Harry. We didn’t use to do that very much before, so I think I’d really like that._

_I better go now. Niall offered to make dinner tonight but I know that he just said that to be nice because he always asks me for help and then I end up cooking the whole meal. Sneaky bastard!_

_Love, Liam”_

_November 11h 2014_

_“Dear diary, Niall left for Ireland today and won’t be back until Sunday. I miss him already. And I have a really bad headache. Harry asked me if I wanted to watch a movie, but I told him I’d rather go to sleep for a little bit and that we could watch one tonight if he still wanted to. He looked kind of sad and I don’t know why. I hope it wasn’t because I declined his offer, because I really do feel bad and I should be sleeping right now but I can’t find my painkillers and I can’t remember where Niall told me he’d put them either. I guess I should probably ask Harry if he knows where they are, but he’s on the phone and it sounds like it’s really important so I don’t want to bother him. I just know that if my head doesn’t stop pounding soon, it’ll explode or I’ll be sick. And I really don’t want that to happen. Not that I think my head would ever actually explode, but you know what I mean. I just really don’t want to be sick because I hate that. I hate this. All of this. It’s not fair. None of it is. I just want to go back in time when all of us boys were together on tour. I miss that._

_Love, Liam”_

_November 13th 2014_

_“Dear diary, I feel a little bit better today. Harry and I have been taking a lot of walks in the park, it’s really nice. We’ve been talking a lot too. And he’s been baking. A lot. I told him he should have opened his own bakery instead of a record store and he told me he’d actually thought about that at first, but that he’d rather do something with music. I suggested that he could open a café where you could buy records and have live music, because then he’d work with both and he really liked that idea. I think it would be a nice café. I know I would want to go there at least. And Niall. Because Niall eats everything. And I think everyone who likes his record store, would probably like his café too._

_I asked him a bit about how his life had been since we lost contact and he said he’d been engaged once, but it had been too spontaneous and they hadn’t really loved it each other so it had only lasted for a week before they broke it off. They’re still very good friends today though. Other than that, his life hadn’t really been as exciting as it had once been. But he liked it very much and wouldn’t change it for anything. I think I feel the same way too. Even though I’m sick, I have lived a life that most people just dream about and I really wouldn’t change it for anything if I were ever given the possibility. Because then I wouldn’t have met the people I’ve met or done the things I’ve done. And I would probably still have a brain tumour. Things like that are stuff that’s meant to be, so it would have happened one way or another. At least that’s what I think. I’d like to believe that being put into One Direction had already been decided, because that’s where I would meet my best friends and my biggest dream would come true. So I guess I really shouldn’t complain about anything. I’m just having a really good day today and Harry’s cooking and baking something again and it smells delicious. I’ll make sure to write again when Niall comes back._

_Love, Liam”_

_November 17th 2014_

_“Dear diary, Niall came back last night and he was a real mess. He told us he’d gotten a call in the taxi on his way back to my apartment. His grandma had passed away just an hour after he had left. Harry kept trying to calm him down, but nothing would work. I didn’t know what to do. All I could think about was if anyone would react like this when I die.. Niall finally cried himself to sleep in Harry’s arms and Harry asked me to go make us some tea. I think he noticed that I needed something to do. And I really did. Because I was starting to think too much and it wasn’t any good thoughts. I wish I could have done more for Niall when he woke up, but after making them some tea, I decided to go lay down for a bit. I guess I fell asleep for the night because when I woke up again it was morning. Harry and Niall were still asleep on the couch so I decided to make us all some breakfast but I had a really bad headache and the food made me feel sick so I went to the bathroom and I forgot that I had eggs on the stove and Harry and Niall got really mad because I couldn’t just leave the stove like that. I could have caused a fire and killed us all. I told them that I was sorry. That I just forgot, but they were still very mad at me. I’ve been here in my room ever since then. I’m really hungry but I don’t want to go out there in case they’ll yell at me again. I don’t know if they’re still here though. Because it’s been quiet for a very long time now. I just wanted to make some breakfast and help Harry cheer Niall up a little bit, but I can’t do anything right. Dr. Giles had told me I would start forgetting things again soon, but I didn’t think it would happen this soon. I guess since it’s getting closer and closer to Christmas every day, I should just expect getting worse. Because Dr. Giles did tell me this Christmas would be my last, but he didn’t say anything about New Years so I’m taking it I won’t live long enough to see the new year. I just want my mum here right now to be honest. And my dad. And my sisters. Zayn and Louis too._

_I think I’m going to go and apologize to Harry and Niall for leaving the stove on. Life’s too short to fight._

_Love, Liam”_

_November 25th 2014_

_“Dear diary, today was the day of Niall’s grandmother’s funeral. He asked both Harry and I to go with him and of course we did. Even though I wasn’t feeling too well, Dr. Giles told me it was ok for me to travel. I think I would have gone even if he had said no. Because Niall wanted me there and wouldn’t fail him when he needed me the most. Not after everything he’s done for me. I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself if I had stayed at home. Besides, it was really nice catching up with Niall’s family again, even if it was under such sad circumstances. Niall had definitely told them about my disease because the first thing Maura did was to hug me real tight and tell me to keep fighting. I think that was nice of her. I told her I would. I don’t think Niall has told her that there’s nothing they can do and that I only have till around Christmas left. But I didn’t want to tell her. Not today at least. Because today wasn’t about me at all._

_The funeral service was really beautiful. There was a white shiny casket surrounded by all kinds of colourful flowers. Niall later told us that his grandma had loved flowers so much that her whole garden had been covered in them and he had always gotten yelled at for running over them when he was little and didn’t know any better. He had just wanted to play some football. He started crying again after telling us that and I pulled him into a hug and he wrapped his arms tightly around my waist. Then he started to tell me that I had to fight harder, because he didn’t think he could handle losing me too and I told him that there was nothing they could do. That Dr. Giles had told me that plenty of times. He just told me to not listen to Dr. Giles and to keep fighting anyway. I told him I would, even though I doubt it would help no matter how hard I fought. But I just wanted Niall to feel a bit better than I was. And I guess it helped a little. He went off to talk to his cousins and soon we could hear his laugh again which was so nice. I hope Niall never stops laughing. Harry was talking quite a lot with Niall’s family, so I guess they really had been keeping contact all these years and meeting up. I wish I would have kept in contact too. I don’t even know if I stopped willingly or if I just..forgot. Like with everything else. I do hope it was because I forgot though, because I don’t think I would have ever stopped talking to the boys completely, no matter how much we fought or how badly it ended, if it had been up to me. I could ask them, but they wouldn’t know the answer. Maybe my mum does, but she doesn’t like talking about it very much. Same with my dad and sisters. I think they’re still trying to pretend that everything’s fine, especially now that I don’t live in the hospital anymore. It’s easy for me to pretend sometimes too. On the days when I’m feeling fine and I’m going out with Niall or Harry and it feels almost like it used to be when we all had a break and spent a few days in London before going home to our families. Except this time we’re missing two members. But I do pretend they’ve gone home already sometimes and that we’ll all meet up again just before the break’s over and we go back to work. It’s nice to pretend. Because when you’re pretending, everything’s the way you want it to be and no one can tell you what’s right and wrong, because you’re the one deciding what’s happening. Almost like a dream. Except you can’t really control dreams either. That’s why pretending is so nice. Now I really have to go to sleep though. It’s been a very long day and I think we’re hanging out with some of Niall’s friends tomorrow so I should really rest up for that and then the day after tomorrow we’re flying back to London again. Mum called me and said that her and dad would drive down to visit me this weekend too so that’ll be fun and probably exhausting. Speak to you soon._

_Love, Liam”_

_November 29th 2014_

_“Dear diary, mum and dad are here right now and it’s very nice because both Niall and Harry are here too and we’ve all been sat talking about old memories that even I remember. It’s so nice being a part of a conversation about something that I can remember doing, although, mum and dad have told us all about stuff I did that I have now forgotten. A lot of it involved when I had my first tumour though so we changed the subject pretty quickly. I did learn that I had been in a car accident and I had hit my head very hard. That’s when they had first found the tumour. They’d been able to remove it without any troubles and I had been fine for two whole years when they found this one after I had passed out at home and no one could reach me for two days. The doctor had told everyone that I was very lucky to still be alive after hitting my head on the kitchen counter and laying there on the floor for two nights. Anyway, let’s not dwell too much on the past._

_Harry had cooked dinner for us all and he had even baked a cake ‘because he felt like it’ is what he said. I think there was something more behind the reason of the cake, because looked very excited the whole night but he didn’t say anything. I hope he will tomorrow or soon enough though, because I’m very curious about it. Unless it’s something private. Then I guess I have no choice but to stay curious. But that’s alright. As long as he’s happy then I’m happy. Niall did look kind of excited too, so maybe it had something to do with the both of them. I’ll just have to ask them tomorrow and hopefully they’ll tell me. I really don’t like it when people keep stuff from me. Even if it’s good news, they’re still keeping it a secret._

_I notice I haven’t written much about Zayn lately. I guess I’ve been too busy to miss him. I wonder, after what Niall told me, if Zayn and Louis are still together. In some way, I really wish they are and I really hope they’re happy together. They both deserve that much. I guess I can’t really blame Zayn for wanting to be with Louis instead. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who kept forgetting about me all the time either. So I hope they’re happy together and that we’ll find them soon, because I honestly think it’s time to forgive and forget everything that’s happened. I just want us all together one last time. That’s all I want right now. To sing one last song together with my four best friends. Sure, I’ve been singing with Harry and Niall, but it’s just not the same with just us three. I still miss them both terribly and I hope I get to see them before I have to leave. Otherwise I’m sure Harry and Niall will let them know that I miss them and love them both._

_Love, Liam”_

_December 6th 20184_

_“Dear diary, it’s December already and I’ve started feeling a little worse already. Yesterday, Niall had to take me to the hospital because I was in so much pain and Dr. Giles wouldn’t let me go home again after that. He said I had to stay at least a few days so he could ‘monitor’ me and take tests and boring stuff like that. I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of here again. It doesn’t feel like it anyway. Dr. Giles and the nice nurse (I still haven’t learnt her name..) keeps looking at each other worriedly when they’re in my room and it’s starting to both scare me and annoy me. If I’m really that bad, I don’t want to know. Because I don’t feel it. But if I knew, I guess I might feel it because then it wouldn’t be so easy to pretend. Pretend that I’m fine like I’ve been doing every day. And it’s worked out ok so far, I just don’t want that to change. Not already. It’s less than 20 days left till Christmas. My last one ever. It feels weird knowing that. But not in the sense that I’m scared. More like, I’m going away somewhere where they don’t celebrate Christmas, but I’ll be back next year to celebrate it. I don’t know. It’s just very weird and it’s kind of hard to explain because let’s face it, I’ve never been that good at writing. I must say that I’ve really improved during the years I’ve forgotten about though, because from what I remember, I couldn’t spell at all. So it’s nice being able to write properly for once. Who knows? Maybe someone will find this one day and read it. If you do, I hope you see what I’ve written, because although my spelling has improved, I can’t say my writing has. I’m still not sure why I’ve decided to call you a diary though..to me, you’ve become more of a friend. Someone who listen to what I have to say without interrupting me or judging me. It’s been very nice and I wish I’d always written down my thoughts like this. It would have been nice to read right now. Just to remember. Anyway, I have to go now._

_Love, Liam”_

_December 14th 2014_

_“Dear diary, Christmas is getting so close now and I haven’t been allowed to leave the hospital once to buy Christmas presents for everyone. Dr. Giles keeps telling me that my immune system isn’t as strong as it was when I was healthy and that if I went outside in the cold and the snow and caught a cold, it could lead to much worse things than just the flue. Niall came around for a visit yesterday and he refused to help me sneak out, saying that he agreed with the doctor and that he ‘will definitely not help you being an irresponsible idiot so get back into your bed’ that was his words, not mine. And Harry basically said the same thing when he came to visit me today so I guess I’m stuck in here for now. I just hope I get to go outside in the snow for a little bit soon. It’s not the same just watching it from my hospital room window. Actually, it’s quite depressing seeing it while knowing I can’t go out in it so I mostly keep the blinds drawn shut. That helps a little._

_Oh right, I forgot to tell you, mum bought me a Christmas tree (not a real one, they’re not allowed) and we all decorated it together. It was very nice. Harry had even bought a small angel to put in the tree and he told me it would be watching over me and I said that I’d be watching over him when I died. He got really sad after that and so did I. Because even though I won’t tell anyone, it’s really starting to feel like I’m getting closer to the end. My headaches have only gotten worse and they almost always make me sick now. I’ve always had perfect eye sight, but it’s been getting blurrier lately and I’m really scared that I’ll lose it completely. Dr. Giles did tell me once that there was a chance that I would. I really hope I won’t. I wouldn’t know what to do if I couldn’t see anything. That’s probably my biggest nightmare right now. That and not having Zayn and Louis here with us all at Christmas. They still haven’t been found, so I guess they really don’t want to be. I just don’t understand why. I mean, it can’t possibly still be about what happened four years ago. That would be ridiculous. Niall and Harry miss them too. I think especially Harry misses Louis. They used to be the closest after all. I really miss Louis too. I expected him to be here now and make me laugh when I’m feeling down. No matter how fun Harry and Niall are, Louis was always the one I’d go to if I wanted to talk or just get cheered up. Let’s not be sad now._

_Love, Liam”_

_December 22nd 2014_

_“Dear diary, Christmas is just around the corner now, you can feel it in the air. The hospital has been nicely decorated, especially my room. Everyone has helped me with it and I couldn’t be any happier right now. We’re all in such good spirits that I honestly don’t think anything can bring us down right now. I haven’t felt this good in a long time and I think that is making everyone else happy too. We’ve even put the Christmas gifts under the tree. Mum got a list from me and bought everything for me since I couldn’t leave my room and Harry and Niall helped me with buying my mum her gift. Harry told me that they’d spoken to Dr. Giles and they’re allowed to bring food on Christmas and he also finally told me the good news. Do you remember when I told you he and Niall looked really excited? Do you also remember when I told you he should have opened his own bakery? Well, he listened to my idea and he said that he’d decided to expand his business. So soon his record store wouldn’t just be a record store. It would also be a café and have live music on Friday nights. I’m so happy for him. And Niall too. Especially since he got the first gig. He told me it would be his first as a solo artist since One Direction broke up and I said that it would be fine, because One Direction would always have his back. And I would be watching over him so he didn’t need to worry. I’ve gotten them both something that could be useful for their opening night, but I won’t tell you just yet because Niall looked really suspicious when I got back from the bathroom earlier so I think he might have taken a peek at you and I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise for him. Or Harry._

_Despite everything that’s going on right now, I’m so grateful for the people I have around me and I couldn’t ask for a better family or friends, they’ve really been here for me and helped me through all of the hard times. And very glad they never gave up on me, even when I sometimes felt like giving up myself. I’ve fought hard and I think I might actually make it to the new year no matter what Dr. Giles told me. Because surely I won’t die tomorrow if I feel this good._

_(PS: they found Zayn and Louis) Things couldn’t be better._

_Love, Liam”_

 

Louis put down the journal he’d been reading from with a crestfallen expression, a single tear escaping from the corner of his eye as he watch Zayn and await his fiancée’s reaction. “That’s all of it. That’s all Liam had written down.”

 

“All of it? Are you sure there’s not more?” Zayn picks up the journal himself and flicker through it, scanning the pages quickly with tears in his eyes and when he comes across the last page Louis had read out, he sigh dejectedly.

 

“Zayn, he didn’t get the chance to write any more after that.” Zayn look up at him with wide eyes and he shake his head sadly as he grip his fiancée’s hand tightly in his own. “Liam passed away in his sleep last week. The same night he’d written that final entry. Niall told me they had all shown up together and had been met at the door by Liam’s doctor. He told them he’d gone peacefully without any pain and there wouldn’t be any more pain for him this way.”

 

“But-no, Louis no. Liam, he can’t-not him. I c-can’t-” Zayn sobs harshly and bury his head in Louis chest, who rubs soothing circles on his back, trying to calm his fiancée down while he tries to keep himself calm too. But all he can think about is the fact that all Liam wanted, was for them to be there with him and they weren’t. Their best friend needed them and they weren’t there because of something stupid that happened four years ago that Liam had clearly forgiven them for. And then there was the fact that Niall had told Liam that he’d found them before he did, just to make his last wish come true. Louis couldn’t handle it anymore and broke down in sobs too. He wishes they wouldn’t have been so selfish to just leave and change numbers and disappear without telling anyone. Everyone had been looking for them, while they hid and thought everyone still hated them for what they did to Liam four years ago. So much could have been different if it wasn’t for them. Maybe, just maybe, they would have been able to say goodbye to Liam one last time before he passed away.

 

“Shh, Zayn, deep breaths. We have to take deep breaths, ok? Breathe with me.” Louis pulls away from Zayn and bring his hand to his own chest and keep it there as he breathes deeply, in and out. “Do as me, ok? Try to calm down.”

 

“I c-can’t Lou..Liam, he’s-” Zayn sob again. “And y-you know what the worst part is? He was looking for us! He tried to call us and had everyone else look for us for him and-and he was told they found us. He went to sleep that night t-thinking he’d wake up t-to us there with him and he didn’t w-wake up again!”

 

“Zayn, please stop. This is just as hard for me as it us for you! Don’t you think I feel guilty? Don’t you think I feel terrible? I was the one you cheated on him with! I was the one who broke you two up! It was all my fault and what do I do? I fucking run away from the problems I caused and left everyone else there to pick up the pieces. H-he was going to propose to you Zayn! You guys would probably already have been married if it wasn’t for me. Fuck!” Louis push himself up from the sofa and starts pacing up and down the room, running his fingers through his hair with shaky hands.

 

“Lou-Louis, don’t. Don’t do this to yourself. Not again.” Zayn stands up too and march over to his fiancée. He cradle his face with his hands and tilt up his head carefully. “Look me in the eyes, Lou. Come on, look me in the eyes.”

 

Louis blinks away his tears before doing as Zayn tells him to, staring into his brown eyes and biting down on his bottom lip nervously.

 

“Louis, I love you. I love you so much, it’s crazy. And I loved Liam too. I still do. But I’m not in love with him. It’s you I’m in love with and you’re the only one for me. Stop putting yourself down all the time, you’re perfect just the way you are. Don’t you ever dare to change love, ok?” Zayn finish and Louis nod his head with a small smile on his lips.

 

“I love you, too.” He reply quietly and kiss Zayn softly on the mouth. When he pulls away, he looks sad again and tears brim up at the corners of his eyes. “Niall, he-he said that the funeral is on Thursday and that they’d all appreciate it if we showed up. We’ll have to pack and leave tonight. I’ll call work for us and tell them what’s-”

 

“Hey, hey, calm down ok? You start packing and I’ll call work and book the flight tickets. Everything’s going to be fine.”

 

~<>~

 

They fix their ties on each other just outside the entrance to the church in Wolverhampton, before taking the final steps up the stairs and walking through the open door after an older pair that they don’t recognize from all of Liam’s relatives that they’ve met before. As they enter the actual church, it’s filled with Liam’s closest friends and family. They can see a white casket up at the altar, surrounded by flowers from everyone and next to it, there’s a big portrait of Liam smiling.

 

“I don’t think I can do this.” Zayn whispers before he turns around but Louis grabs his hand before he can leave.

 

“We’re in this together, Zayn. We have each other.” Louis replies and pull on Zayn’s arm gently until he turns around. “There we go. You can do this. I’m right here with you. And so is Niall and Harry. Niall said we’re on the second row.”

 

They walk slowly up the aisle and can feel everyone’s eyes on them, but they ignore it the best they can. Zayn can’t drag his eyes away from Liam’s picture. He’d almost forgotten what his friend looked like when he was that happy. And if it hadn’t been for all their old videos, he probably wouldn’t have remembered the sound of his friend’s voice either. Suddenly Louis stops and Zayn walks right into him. Then he looks up and he’s staring straight into Niall’s blue eyes.

 

“I-” Is all he manages to get out before he feel the arms of Niall hugging him tightly and he thinks they’re both crying but he can hear Louis and Harry crying too so it doesn’t really matter. He thinks it would be stranger if they weren’t crying.

 

“I’ve missed you so much. We needed you. Both of you.” Niall’s whispering and Zayn is shaking his head, saying ‘I know, I know, I’m sorry’ over and over again. “Don’t ever leave us again, you hear me? Don’t you dare!”

 

“I promise, Ni. We’re not going anywhere.” Zayn promise him and then he’s pulling away and suddenly he’s hugging Harry and he’s promising him the same thing. Apologizing, over and over again until Harry tells him to shut up.

 

“I wish Liam was here.” Louis say suddenly and they’re standing in a small circle in the middle of the aisle, just staring sadly at each other, all of them still crying silently until Niall breaks the silence.

 

“He is. He’s watching over us at this very moment. And he’s right here.” He say and place a hand over his heart. “He’ll always be with us.” They all place their hands over their hearts and turn to look at the portrait of a smiling Liam and they can’t help but smile too. Because Niall’s right. Liam will always be with them all, no matter what happens.

 


End file.
